From the Hillbilly Book of Manners
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
- Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
Entertaining in your Home
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (Outside the Family))
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
- Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
- Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
- For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
- It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Two Reasons it is Hard to Solve a Hillbilly Murder
- All the DNA is the same.
- There are no dental records